Waves of the Ocean that touched my Soul

They say, when God closes one door, he opens another one for you. Or is it, when all doors close on you, God opens a window for you? Whatever, I wonder if that’s a cycle!

When I thought all my doors closed locking me inside, I had no way to escape, from the situations, the circumstances I was surrounded by, that drowned me deep in depression, no way out at all, that I would die crying and crying to dehydrate all of the blood from my body, crying all by myself so loud in that dark room of solitude, forgetting to even breathe at times, ignoring God’s existence, forgetting the fact that He’s been watching me all the while, I heard some sound somewhere. It was more like a hard tapping noise. Like somebody purposefully hitting on a wooden window! I forgot how any sound sounded like, except for my loud sobs and cries. But this sound trapped my ear.

I lifted up my eyes, for the first time again in months, and gathered my courage to look at where the sound came from. It was a window, a flapping sound of the only window available in the room! It might have made noises before too, but my agony was too much to pay any attention then. But this time, the sound was loud enough to reach from my ears to my brain. I stopped sobbing at once in shock. I could not believe for a moment that there could possibly be a window in the room; a way of escape from my situations, a ray of hope. That’s the window that He showed me, God. I was so scared to walk up there initially. I thought it could be some paranormal thing. But then somehow I managed my fear, fooled my heart that nothing’s going to happen, and stood up. My body shook in fear, my forehead shed sweat even out of such dryness, and my eyes remained focused on the window. I took step-by-step in the direction. When I approached that window, I stretched my hand and held it tight to avoid the flapping noises. Then I shut it tight. I turned around and eyed the room from the window’s point of view. The room looked so empty, so empty with nothing but sorrow. There was bulb with no light, fan with no wings, clock with no needles, chair with no legs. Everything seemed meaningless with their existence. I felt horrible and quickly turned to the window, opened it with my eyes still closed and stood there idle for few minutes with my head buried in my hands.

The tender knock of some cool breeze stroke my cheek and I raised my head, opened my eyes. It was unexplainable. I saw the Ocean, inviting me with its open arms. I felt amazing. I felt like I was so stupid to have missed such a beautiful sight all this while that was right in front of me. I wondered why I haven’t looked around earlier to find this window. The window slightly moved and I found my reflection in its mirror reminding me how old and pitiful I appeared. I turned back to the room for a minute again thinking. Should I go back to weep as I would die anyway with this dehydration? Or should I go to the ocean and look for something I don’t know? May be some hope for life! Thoughts flickered my mind; ‘I spent enough time in this room, lonely and crying, hoping on nothing, filling my life with sickness, pain, and agony. What have I done? When have I stopped trying? Why was I lying out there like that in darkness? Am I missing out on a chance there?’

I opened the windows wide and took no time to jump through the window and run to the inviting sea. I realized how welcoming and warm the hugs of the ocean were! How tender the touches of the ocean’s cold breezes were that touched my hair, my cheeks, my body and my soul! How pleasant the view of the ocean was! It was just amazing! Like I fell in love all over again! I fell in love with The Ocean!

I took the deepest breath, like I wanted to inhale the fragrance of the ocean completely by myself. When I exhaled, it felt like my warm breath triumphed over the cold breeze of the seashore and it felt perfect. So perfect like the ocean and I were meant to be together. I walked hand in hand with it to its shore, lied down on the wet sands and let it take control over me. I started talking to it like it was listening to me and understanding my each situation. The sounds of its breeze were like it was talking back to me in many ways, consoling me for my past and trying to help me. I stretched my legs towards it and I felt like every wave that touched my feet was kissing my pains away. Deep down my heart, I felt like this ocean has been there for me all this while, waiting outside my door, and I just did not recognize it. I apologized to it for not letting it pour its love on me. I promised that I would not do that ever, and that I would stay by its side no matter what and that I would never give up on it for its my only happiness now. I relaxed on my back looking at the skies and in all trust, allowed it to play with me the way it wanted to. The breezes spoke to me and the waves kissed me every now and then. The ocean took its chances to test my loyalty. It sent a big wave that touched my feet first, then crept above my waist, and then went over my whole body drowning me in it. I did not shake. I smiled and replied that I felt its deep love for me finally.  I slept like a baby there on the shore because now there are no tears in my eyes. Nothing bothered me as I had somebody to discuss with. I spent days lying there on its shore, talking anything and everything to it, writing poems, singing songs, blinding myself in its charm. I felt peaceful. I was happy once again. I thanked God for I felt I am living a life again. But I was reminded of my fate.

The waves one day crawled back far after drenching me completely like few times before! I waited after that for a long time, waited patiently for the ocean waves to come back soon and touch my body, for the breezes to talk to me like it did everyday since the day I opened the windows. But it kept withdrawing itself! It slowly started disappearing from my sight. I first did not understand what was happening! Each time the ocean went deeper, I followed it hoping the waves would come back to touch me somehow because of the bond we shared. I kept walking into the ocean little by little not realizing how deep I was going. But when I understood that it’s not the regular feel of the sand that I stepped before, I felt very cold. Just a while ago, the ocean was all over me and now, I am looking at the ocean standing on parching sand in my hair still wet and body dewed by the big wave that just went by! My heartbeat slowed down in fear. Because I have learnt that when waves withdraw disappearing into the deeps unseen, it’s a sign of disaster! It’s a sign of some natural calamity! It’s very scary.

I quickly walked back to the place where I first stood and spoke to the ocean. It’s all parched here. It’s the same sand that once was wet with the ocean’s waves, now dried up and hot, burning my feet under. The same place that once was cool with the ocean’s breeze is now so fiery under the sun. It’s very much the same ocean, now looking so different. I am still here wondering what went wrong. The seawater left its saltiness on my lips and the tears running down my cheeks taste sweeter like never before. The sweat forming on my body is trying to cover up the dewdrops left behind but is unable to compete with the saltiness of the ocean’s waves. I want to walk into the ocean irrespective of its distance from me, or the depth it now has. I just want to feel better by going closer to feel its breeze, to touch the waves, to drench myself and get off this heat that’s burning my heart along with my body. I just want to drown myself to death in the ocean. I almost took a step ahead but then withheld myself. I looked up to the skies and shouted loud. “God! Why again? Wasn’t I better off to death back then in that dark room that you had to show me this ocean, take me to it, make me fall in love with it, and now take it off from me leaving me in this confused state of mind? Why can’t you sustain my happiness or my misery? Why give me hope and leave me again in tears of disappointment? What should I do now?”

Even now I ask, “God, show me a sign. Send me my friend.” I wait here, all by myself, in tears, in pain, for a sign, for a sound, for a sight of the waves big or small, for something but silence. These waves that touched my heart and soul, now left me heartless and with a dying soul. I am in need of answers to many questions. Should I just go ahead into the ocean to find my lost soul irrespective of it’s danger? Or should I take it as a warning for an awaiting disaster from which a divine force is trying to protect me? Which one should I consider? Risk it and be happy? Or let it go for now and never dream of such happiness again? 

Somebody can help me find answers.