Am not depressed. I just feel empty inside...

   

  They ask, "Hey, how are you doing?". I say, "Am alright, thanks". But my eyes always told a different story, my heart sang a different tune, my soul just wept. I always wished they matched to what I usually projected about my being alright. I miss the old ME, the happy me, the bright me, the laughing me, the GONE me. They say, "You are unnecessarily wasting your time on someone who cannot be with you in this life again". They keep reminding me how stupidly I behave in the name of love. At some point,  you have to realise that some people can stay in your heart forever, but not in your life. They are meant to be somewhere else, not beside you when you wake up. 

     Am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. I hate getting flashbacks from things I don't want to remember. I feel so helpless and powerless though everything seems possible to me. Sick of crying, tired of trying, yes, am smiling but from inside, am dying. Things are kinda falling apart. So am I.   Yet at times, I appreciate myself.  Because, the bravest thing I have ever done was, continuing to live when I so wanted to die. I wake up and find myself breathing still, find the time going on still. I quickly turn up the volume of the music I start playing from my phones. I just want the volume of the music to cover up the tormenting thoughts of my loved ones, the pain of waking alone, feeling so disconnected from this world ...  I don't want anyone to notice how I feel, but want them to care for me deep. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout loud enough for the world to hear. But all I could do is whisper, "Am fine, thank you". And people believed. Because stressed and depressed, am still well dressed with fake joy expressed.

     Now it's more like I sleep not because I feel sleepy. But because it is a temporary escape, though there's always the fear of these haunting dreams. I looked for friends or family but nobody had time for me. May be am just not in their top priorities list. Music is my permanent escape for now. Emotionally, am done. Mentally, am drained. Physically, am tired but I smile. Spiritually, am under construction.

Love me or leave me. But don't use my emotions to play your games. Because, my love is an ocean. But my anger can be a disaster you can't escape.